Of all the forms depression takes, this one may be the worst, simply because it’s so confusing.
I am getting things done around the house and enjoying an otherwise relaxing Sunday when I’m hit hard by crushing waves of sadness coupled with incredible exhaustion.
I put down the blanket I’ve been crocheting, unable to continue. The only thing my body and mind are willing me to do is sleep. I crave sleep with a power that seems to flood over me from some unknown but powerful source.
I slept fine last night, had plenty of sleep. Also had plenty of coffee today. This makes no sense.
But I give into my cravings and try to sleep, unsuccessfully, for nearly two hours but sleep will not come. The heaviness in my body and my very bones and is almost excruciating.
Finally I sit up, frustrated and more exhausted than before, and waves of intense sorrow and dread wash over me. There is no reason I can conjure up for why I feel this way. There is no explanation. The feeling simply is.
Tears pour down my face as I try to move my exhausting, aching, unwilling body and mind to do something, anything, but everything seems so hard and sleep seems like the only answer.
That or alcohol. These bouts of intense, unprovoked depression leave me with an incredible desire to drink the pain away. Of course I do not give in to this (at least not fully), in part because alcohol is expensive and in part because I know deep down it is not the cure for what I’m feeling.
But what is? I have no idea. I just continue to sit in an aching stupor, begging and praying for nighttime to come and bring relief through sleep, the ever elusive promise of sleep.