If you know anything about me you know that I LOVE to wallow, and I mean w-a-l-l-o-w, in my despair. Don’t get me wrong, I hate being depressed and anxious as much as the next depressed and anxious person but there is something about plopping myself down in the middle of that pile of shit called self pity that I just relish.
Sick, I know.
Well, I’ve been relishing and wallowing lately in the muck of my life (the usual: student loan debt, uncertainty about the future, all around money woes), just waist deep in the self pity, until a lovely reminder blindsided me yesterday.
I was running late for work (which, mind you, NEVER happens) and I was tearing my room apart (which, mind you, ALWAYS happens) to find my copy of Pedagogy of the Oppressed. I’m auditing a course this semester and need to have the book read by the 20th and, for some reason, I HAD to start yesterday on my lunch break. I may be a forgetful person but I also have a one track mind and that track was on finding that book!
Of course it was on the bottom of my bookshelf, smashed between two large books I’ve probably never read and never will. I took a second to flip through it, because, as everyone knows, every time a book is picked up it must be thumbed through and smelled, and a postcard fell out.
It was from a college friend and I had all but forgotten she’d ever given it to me. On the front was a woman walking down a rocky, barren, mountain path with the quote, “In the world through which I travel I am endlessly creating myself.”
On the other side was an excerpt from the poem “Say Yes” by Andrea Gibson, one of my favorite spoken word artists:
When two violins are placed in a room
if a chord is struck on one violin
the other violin will sound the note
if this is your definition of hope
this one is for you
the ones who know how powerful we are
who know we can sound the music in the people around us
simply by playing our own strings
you have a drum in your chest that could save us
you have a song like a breath that could raise us
like the sunrise into a dark sky that cries to be blue
play like you know we won’t survive if you don’t
but we will if you do
play like Saturn is on his knees
proposing with all his ten thousand rings
that we give every single breath
this is for saying yes
And this followed by a simple note that read: “Megan- you are astounding, beautiful, strong, a light for many. THANK YOU.”
Somewhere along life’s journey I have lost sight of what makes my heart beat, what makes me astounding and beautiful and strong and a light for others. But I aim to shake off the mud and reclaim what is mine. 2015 is for this.